Robbie Williams is trapped in hell. It’s true. He’s trapped in his own, peculiarly comfortable MOR hell, and it’s almost possible to feel pity for him – almost. Robbie – jack-the-lad-in-chief to the masses – wishes he was a rock star but will absolutely, resolutely never be allowed to be one by his cosy audience [...]
It’s unfair to dislike someone simply because of their face, but Jamie Cullum, a man for whom the phrase ‘Housewive’s Favourite’ would cruelly besmirch the assumed mental capacity of a whole nation of housewives, has a fizzog of such a uniquely irritating munchkin nature that he manages to arouse such feelings with consummate ease. Then [...]
We’ve been here before. What is it about Jimi Hendrix‘s Little Wing that induces such foolhardiness and drives bands to turn their minds inside out attempting to replicate the song? After Sting, apparently overfed on ego and too much fois gras, performed an audio force-feeding and distended the song into a horrifying nine-minute aural catastrophe, [...]
The true, dreadful nature of music in the 1980s is slowly being eroded from our memories. Some do-gooders are trying to accentuate the positive and claim that the decade which spawned hip-hop, the Smiths, Pixies et al was a rip-roaring success. Today, Bad Cover Versions presents the case for the opposition. Greed, as we are [...]
For several generations of men, Olivia Newton John has been defined almost exclusively by her bottom. Wait – that’s not totally fair: her peachy bottom and luxurious thighs, as exquisitely framed by those delicious spray-on black trousers at the end of Grease. Being remembered purely for your buttocks must play havoc with your self-worth. “I’m [...]
I met a man in California once. His name was Doctor Billy. He reminded me in appearance, demeanour and intensity, of an ageing Colonel Killgore from Apocalypse Now! I got the feeling he’d lived an exciting life. By ‘exciting’, I mean of course, ‘had taken a lot of acid in the 60′s.’ Eye-popping stories emerged [...]
Let me introduce you to a cover version that provides final, irredeemable proof that the lifeless body of Rock has been drained to a point where the veins gurgle, spit and splutter. And the liquid that sluices out? Pure molten cheese. This cover version shines the spotlight on all that is wrong with humankind, and [...]
There aren’t many times when the words ‘Thank God Kurt Cobain is dead’ could be legitimately muttered. Today is one of those days. Smells Like Teen Spirit is one of the very few heavy rock songs that everyone loves, and everyone knows. Thus trying to reconstruct the thought process behind Take That, at their mid-90′s [...]
America has given us so much: the lightbulb, the movies, Shock and Awe, Hogan Knows Best. Besides these wonderful additions to our lives, America has also given us the musical equivalent of a drunken, creepy uncle: Country and Western. Whilst possibly a bold cross-breed-mutation science experiment gone badly wrong, á la The Fly, Country and [...]
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